Papa Kuni’s Stovetop Popcorn©, 2nd Generation Edition

A good pot is essential.

Ideally, use a heavy duty cast-iron pot, about 4 liters in size. A broken handle is to be avoided, but if the pot is well used and loved, such features can be overlooked. Try to find a cover that not necessarily fits the pot, but that at least allows projectile oil to drain back into the inside of the pot rather than dripping along the outside of the pot, onto the burner, and down into the netherregions below that. If a non-fitting cover is unavoidable, be sure to wipe up remaining grease while it is still warm to avoid solidification and social dificulties. Occasionally it may be necessary to purchase new silver range-basins at garage sales in repentance for untimely cleanups of afforesaid splattered oil.

Put the pot on the range and turn the range on high. This will save some time, but now you need to do everything else quickly before the pot gets too hot.

I prefer canola oil, because that is what I have prefered in the past. Olive oil can be used, but it burns at a lower temperature, likely increasing the amount of carcinogens in the finished product. A vague mix of different kids of oils might add that special unknown something to your popcorn experience.

Get out two large popcorn bowls and set them close to the range, but not close enough to melt. Have the salt shaker nearby, as well as a pair of hotpads or mittens.

Cover the bottom of the pan with oil. The amount of oil you use will determin how many kernals you add, how oilly your corn will be, and/or your future heart condition. DO NOT leave the kitchen while there is oil heating on the range. But if theres a really good movie on in the other room and you have to leave, make sure to check back on the oil every chance that comes to mind. If you sprint back to the kitchen to find the oil smoking, turn the range off and move the pot to one that is cool. If you find fire, DO NOT attempt to remove the pot. Use the fire extinguisher at arm’s reach, or throw baking soda into the pot, or try to get the lid on to smother the flames. I haven’t tried it, but I’ve heard throwing water on such a fire isn’t pretty. If, despite all these suggestions, you do pick up the pot and attempt to take it outside, be aware that when you open the door a gush of new oxygen will likely strengthen the flames, singeing what little hair you may have left, and you quite possibly could burn your skin off. The staying in the kitchen idea is a better option overall.

Take the popcorn out of the freezer. Everyone knows you’re supposed to keep popcorn in the freezer, and if you didn’t keep it there, you didn’t read ahead in these directions, like your fourth grade teacher taught you to, before commencing this sacred cooking ritual. Later, don’t forget to refill your freezer popcorn jar with kernals from the 50-pound bag in the basement you purchased at Sam’s Club for twelve dollars, despite the fact that Sam’s Club might be representative of economic and social relationships that your conscience tells you is hindering healthy local and international community development. The point is, choose your battles, but also don’t ignore the ones you haven’t yet fought.

Add one kernal to your oil. When it pops, you’re ready to add the rest of the kernals, but make sure to turn the range down if the oil starts to smoke.
Add sufficeint kernals so that none of the oil has a flat surface. Having all the kernals totally submurged means you’ll have greasy popcorn, while having too many kernals not touching the oil at all means you’ll have dry popcorn, burnt popcorn, and/or lots of leftover kernals. You’ll have to find your own happy medium through experience and practice.

Don’t let the kernals pop right away. This might mean turning down your range, or temporarily taking the pot off of the range. If they pop too soon after heating, the result is chewy popcorn with tough husks that like clinging to the back of your throat and making you gag. You want to cook the outside before you cook the inside, and this is part of the reason you keep them in the freezer. Let them simmer for a couple of minutes, adjusting the amount of heat as necessary. When popping commences, your cover will be helpful. Shake the pot in both circular and up and down motions to allow even popping, as well as to settle the unpopped kernals to the bottom of the pan rather than up with the adult popped kernals where they always want to be. Choose a heat that will allow continuous popping, but not too hot so that you can’t manage to teach the baby kernals where to go, and certainly not so hot that they will burn and fail to develop properly.

If you added enough kernals to feed your friends and family, your popcorn is going to overflow the pot. But no worries! Let the popping push the lid up. Just before they are pushed up so high that they would spill onto the range, dump the top half into one of your bowls. The next overflow should mm go in a different bowl, and the following in the first bowl, so that you have even dispersion of greasy corn with the drier corn on the bottom of the pan. Kind of like socialism, except that you know your friends and family and have enjoyed being fair to them in the past. Add salt between layers and toss.

Only after you complete popping and tossing can you know if butter is appropriate. If its already pretty oilly, skip the butter.

If you’re on the road or are truly conservative, save the unpopped kernals for later use.